Toulouse, 1987: It’s lunch break and I am walking home at brisk pace. The sound of running behind me, a familiar voice shouting my name: my heart stops. I know what comes next: he’s going to immobilize me with an arm lock then rub his knuckles energetically against my skull. Fortunately we are not in the schoolyard, at least I will avoid the humiliation of being walked like a pet on a leash, his firm hand holding me by the neck. I attempt to flee but I am the opposite of sporty: he catches up with me easily, together with two accomplices. This time the treatment is different: they pull up the back of my jacket and fold it around my head. Trapped, I cannot see or move, and I can hardly breathe. My own clothes block my arms, attempts to free myself are futile. Then they leave as quickly as they came, leaving me breathless, disheveled, and most of all humiliated.
Tours, 1988: A stranger walks toward me in the schoolyard and starts insulting me. Stung in my pride, I respond with the appropriate phrase in the teenagers’ jargon of the time: “You gotta problem?” A circle immediately forms around us. I’m expecting the usual tough kid routine: pushing each other in turns while staring at each other with bullet-loaded eyes, until the school staff breaks it up before anyone gets hurt. Not this time: before knowing what’s happening to me I lay flat on the ground, knocked out by a lighting-fast uppercut delivered without warning. The school bell sounds the end of the game.
At this exact moment, unconsciously, I sign a secret pact. Something I will never admit to anyone, including myself. I accept my weakness and it becomes my identity. I renounce the will to physically fight for anything, including for my own defense. I renounce conflicts, anger… and thus passion. The fire of the warrior is put out in my heart, giving way to the calculating coldness of the intellectual.
San Francisco, 2011: This is the big day: after barely three months of martial arts training, tonight I am passing my exam for high white belt. Everything went smoothly so far: technique review, form demonstration, board breaking – first shot! – I am still floating on a cloud of euphoria. Master Evans announces the surprise of the evening: we are going to spar – something white belts like me have never done before. During the first few minutes I am pretty tense, I just dodge without daring to attack. And then something clicks: not only I attack but I try moves that I haven’t even learned. And I’m lovin’it! Adrenalin rushes in my blood and the warrior in me awakens after a 25-year sleep. By the time the sparring session ends my forearms are covered with bruises, the soles of my feet are burning, my kimono is soaked with sweat, and my face is lit with a wide blissful smile. Is it already over? Master Evans concludes the ceremony by asking each of the newly appointed belts which of the 5 tenants of the martial arts is their favorite. Without hesitating I respond: “Indomitable Spirit… because I didn’t know I had it in me until tonight.”
Like that board a few moments earlier, the pact is broken. Fear, this insidious voice that has been whispering its slime in my ears for 25 years, suddenly shuts up. My heart gets filled with new sensations: strength, trust, serenity. The fire of the warrior is burning again and I promise never to let it go out.
Cedric, 8/26/2011
I dedicate this text to Master Rachael Evans who saw the indomitable spirit deep inside me and managed to awaken it. Gamsa Hamnida!
By the way here is a link to the news article that inspired me to write this story. A must-read for every parent in my opinion: http://www.thepostgame.com/features/201108/real-it-gets-victims-schoolyard-bullying-can-fight-back-help-ufc-royalty
Here is how bad things can get with bullying: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/09/21/eveningnews/main20109797.shtml